34 Weeks

I did not think that I had grown that much since 30 weeks because EVERYONE tells me how tiny my belly is. Which is a good thing, i think. But as a first time mom I think its natural to be freaked out when people say that too. Like all kinds of thoughts go through my head like: "What do you mean? Is my baby not the right size?" "Am I supposed to be a heifer?" "Were you expecting me to be HUGE?" and then i realize they just think I look great! The compliments are well received, thank you.

I did not realize just how much bigger Madelyn had grown until i took this picture and matched it next to my 30 week pic...and WOW there is definitely a distinct difference. I look pointier, but i feel wider! I hung out with a close friend of mine today who is five days a head of me and her belly is way different than mine. We think she is having a boy (she has not found out) which would make sense for her shape. Very pointy belly and low. Mine is high and well dispersed (wide to me). I literally think that Mady is stretched out from side to side in my stomach. I can FEEL her "tickle" me on my sides...almost towards my back. Which freaks me out when I lay on my side...as if she is saying: "Hey mom, I'm here...and your crushing me!" Then I will actually feel her butt (or what i think is her bottom) push up right below my chest. She's a gymnast. I have decided. Based on her impressive movements.

We are MOVING! We are knee deep in the packing part right now. We've actually done pretty well with it too. Only about 4 hours total of packing and we've got pretty much 75% done! Kitchen is done, living room, picture frames, nic-naks and such. Only thing left is the closets....which sounds like a lot, but only two remain and I am pretty anal about organization.....so monthly i go through and RE-ORGANIZE, which means throw a lot away! So packing the closets shouldn't take too long. We see the light at the end of the tunnel. Our biggest hurdle was the kitchen. That always seems to take forever. Keeping Bryan focused was actually the hard part. Between ESPN recruiting updates and twitter I didn't think we'd ever get done!! At one point he busts out a block of cheese and said: "We're going to do this and have a snack!" Random! Whatever keeps you motivated! He's a goof. This is our FOURTH MOVE and hopefully the last for a long time. We've done pretty well, basically because we are professionals at it! We have only gotten in one fight to mention since we started, which is a good thing for us. When we move, we usually fight quite a bit. Its stressful and we both become pretty ugly! As of right now, we are fairing well. I think our secret to success is spacing the packing out. We don't close until Monday and don't actually move in until Tuesday....which means we are ahead. No sense of urgency...= no fighting! Haha.

I have craziness going on at work right now. FEW staff, LOTS OF UN-USED PTO and switching to a new store to accommodate for my replacement. I am not happy with it all, but it has to happen. Please pray that I am able to take my time off and use my PTO, that I've earned and will LOSE if i don't use it, before my maternity leave starts. I need to hire at least one more person. Please pray for seamless transitions. I need some time off. Mentally, emotionally, physically, SPIRITUALLY! I cannot express how badly I NEED SOME TIME! Please, please pray....I will keep posting about our progress :)

Song for the moment....

What a great group. Do we still call them groups? Oh, I guess its a band. My bad. What a great band! I encourage you to go get their CD. Love their sound.

Lyrically, such a good reminder after such a hard week for me.
"Even when the rain falls, even when the flood starts rising, even when the storm comes, I am WASHED by the WATER!"

Un-Finished

So I have a problem. I have a reoccurring problem. I cannot finish things. I dont know exactly when this started to happen, but its a reality in my life. Whether its books (which is the main thing i cannot finish) to blogs (hehe) to workout routines to whatever; I am horrible at finishing things. The only thing i seem to be able to get done and get it done well is work related!! Which frustrates me even more, because as a believer, my life on earth should be spent glorifying God and placing my hope in an eternal perspective. My life on earth is not meant to "build" up a fortune that will pass away or place my hope and significance in what my worldly success will bring. The worst thing is...i figured this fact out about a year ago with a series of David Powlison questions. I realized that I was trying to live a life pleasing to God, but I worked harder at pleasing my boss and being successful in business than I did at advancing the Kindgom of God. This was a big wake up call.

So i guess from there I realized some things really had to change. But, as my loving Husband would tell me; You cannot expect to change over night. These things take time. (Did I mention i am a bit impatient). Sanctification takes a lifetime to be exact. But that did not suffice. I want the answer, fix, magical potion, or what have you...NOW!! I want to change today, especially since I am horrible at finishing things, I want to see this to the end before i lose interest, give up and you guessed it: Its yet another unfinished project. This project though is different than starting a blog or reading a Harry Potter book, this is my spiritual well being.

I am more frustrated with my track record. I see that a year ago i was faced with this problem, but little has changed in my life. In fact, I think I am more apathetic than ever. I see my past and present failures and they seem to have set me so far away from the ideal I want to be, so I dont even try. I am of course reminded that "If we confess, He is faithful and just to forgive." I know this in my heart. But i feel i get two steps forward and then I am two steps back, then three steps forward and five steps back. Its a never ending cycle. Its exhausting....

Especially now as i am at the brink of bringing into the world my first and most important priority; raising a little girl to be a Godly woman. What a privilege, that i truly cannot give up on or leave unfinished. I think that i am feeling all of these overwhelming feelings of failure because I know (and so does satan) that I am about to embark on the most incredible blessing I could ever have. I am weeks away!! I feel like satan knows that this is such a gift from God and he does not want to see the Glory that God will undoubtedly receive. Madelyn is a gift from God and Bryan and I are expected to disciple her heart unto Godliness. To discipline her toward righteousness and pray that the Lord would send His Holy Spirit to awaken her heart to surrender to Him; in His timing. Its a call to all Christian parents. Its a heavy call, but an incredibly honoring one. God will use this sinner (the "unfinisher") to help call his lost sheep.

Of course I would be confronted with the failures of past tasks when i am about to embark upon the most important "task" of my life. This is really not a task, its going to be a joy and a privilege.

**I literally wrote this a week ago, got half way through and could not finish!! I had to come back to finish it days later. There is hope for me yet!**

A full day....

I cannot convey how exciting it was to see Madelyn's little face today! Wow. What a whirlwind of emotions. Bryan and I talked about our immediate thoughts. Both of us had the same first thought:

"Ohh my goodness, she is beautiful!!"


our second thoughts:
Bryan: "Lord, call my daughter to salvation."
I think this is typical for a new father who's heart is heavy with the responsibility and incredible honor of teaching the gospel to our family. It really made me feel at ease that that was one of his first reactions. The Lord truly has impressed upon his heart the joy of disciplining our children unto Godliness. He knows he (as well as I) will be held accountable for how we lead and raise our children. Such a tremendous duty of delight!

My second thought: "Praise the Lord, for He is good!!"
I couldn't help but praise my God for knitting this baby together in my womb. It truly is a miracle. I know people say that all the time, but to think that 50% me and 50% of Bryan come together, by the Lord's unique design and make a human being is mind numbing!! To look at her nose and wonder if its mine or Byran's is crazy. To see her hands and feet moving...i just wanted to reach in there and hold her! What a great day!

We also finished our registry at both USA Baby and Babies R US. That was fun, but also stressing. I do not know why it stresses me so much, but it does. I cried like four times trying to pick out a crib. I was so hesitant to make a decision because this will be my child's crib and bed for a long time. I wanted it to last, be well made and cute. We are under certain time crunches too with moving in less than a month. We actually got a great deal on a Munire (spelling) crib that I loved. We got lucky and will have it by the time we move in. I know she wont be in her crib for a long time, but I really wanted to get the nursery together as soon as i could, with no missing pieces!!

I also decided on her bedding and knicky-knack type stuff like: lamps, wall hangings etc. and the theme of her nursery. We picked our the baby monitor, noise maker, andjogging stroller (since we will live right by a great park and my husband has taken up jogging again). Who knows if we will get it all. I'm sure we wont, but its fun to dream. We need so much. Everyone says you'll get it all from your showers and then some, but i am nervous. I think this is why i cry so much during my registries. I see all the stuff i need and dont have and freak out! I know I annoyed everyone today, but thank goodness Bryan was there to help me make decisions. He knows when i get like that to just take control and make the decisions; even if it is an area he knows nothing about. He was great!

Such a wonderful day. I am so excited for all the big things coming up: showers, moving, due date, MY DAUGHTER!! We are blessed!

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing." Psalm 34:8-9