Un-Finished

So I have a problem. I have a reoccurring problem. I cannot finish things. I dont know exactly when this started to happen, but its a reality in my life. Whether its books (which is the main thing i cannot finish) to blogs (hehe) to workout routines to whatever; I am horrible at finishing things. The only thing i seem to be able to get done and get it done well is work related!! Which frustrates me even more, because as a believer, my life on earth should be spent glorifying God and placing my hope in an eternal perspective. My life on earth is not meant to "build" up a fortune that will pass away or place my hope and significance in what my worldly success will bring. The worst thing is...i figured this fact out about a year ago with a series of David Powlison questions. I realized that I was trying to live a life pleasing to God, but I worked harder at pleasing my boss and being successful in business than I did at advancing the Kindgom of God. This was a big wake up call.

So i guess from there I realized some things really had to change. But, as my loving Husband would tell me; You cannot expect to change over night. These things take time. (Did I mention i am a bit impatient). Sanctification takes a lifetime to be exact. But that did not suffice. I want the answer, fix, magical potion, or what have you...NOW!! I want to change today, especially since I am horrible at finishing things, I want to see this to the end before i lose interest, give up and you guessed it: Its yet another unfinished project. This project though is different than starting a blog or reading a Harry Potter book, this is my spiritual well being.

I am more frustrated with my track record. I see that a year ago i was faced with this problem, but little has changed in my life. In fact, I think I am more apathetic than ever. I see my past and present failures and they seem to have set me so far away from the ideal I want to be, so I dont even try. I am of course reminded that "If we confess, He is faithful and just to forgive." I know this in my heart. But i feel i get two steps forward and then I am two steps back, then three steps forward and five steps back. Its a never ending cycle. Its exhausting....

Especially now as i am at the brink of bringing into the world my first and most important priority; raising a little girl to be a Godly woman. What a privilege, that i truly cannot give up on or leave unfinished. I think that i am feeling all of these overwhelming feelings of failure because I know (and so does satan) that I am about to embark on the most incredible blessing I could ever have. I am weeks away!! I feel like satan knows that this is such a gift from God and he does not want to see the Glory that God will undoubtedly receive. Madelyn is a gift from God and Bryan and I are expected to disciple her heart unto Godliness. To discipline her toward righteousness and pray that the Lord would send His Holy Spirit to awaken her heart to surrender to Him; in His timing. Its a call to all Christian parents. Its a heavy call, but an incredibly honoring one. God will use this sinner (the "unfinisher") to help call his lost sheep.

Of course I would be confronted with the failures of past tasks when i am about to embark upon the most important "task" of my life. This is really not a task, its going to be a joy and a privilege.

**I literally wrote this a week ago, got half way through and could not finish!! I had to come back to finish it days later. There is hope for me yet!**