When I look back on 2011 and I get a little exhausted.
This year was definitely weighing on
my heart. I feel like my family had a good year.
Bryan saw major prayers answered and doors opened for him he didn't even really "knock" on, so to speak.
Mady grew and grew. Played and played. Had fun time after fun time. Really how awesome is a 1-2 year old's life? Pretty great.
There were major disappointment in 2011 and it started early.
In January we began the process to adopt from the Congo. We were denied a home study based certain income requirements we could not meet. Door closed.
We miscarried 3 babies. More closed doors.
My body and my heart were exhausted. Which is why i said: "sent through the ringer".
However, facing those things only proved to magnify God's mercy towards us. Even though I was dealing with some pretty awful circumstances God was dealing so sweetly with me. Using His word every day to minister to my heart anew. Old verses breathed new life into my heart. He upheld me. Truly. He was my rock. My refuge, my shelter. Meditating on His goodness, how he saved me, loved me. Thinking on an imperishably, magnificent eternity waiting for me with him made this tumultuous storm a smooth sail on a calm sea. God has been so good to me that He has made suffering actually comforting. Its hard to accurately put this into words. Words I have already blogged about countless times.
These wonderful truths do not hide the fact that this year was rough and I did spend a lot of time crying, begging, pleading with the Lord.
So you can see why I am ready to close the door on 2011. Ready to start fresh in 2012. New promises and new mercies.
Not that His mercies weren't new in 2011. We know from scripture they are new every morning. (Lamentations 3:22-23) We don't need a new year to start anew! However, in my brain (the organized, nutty one) I wanted a literal
new year.
The New Year came and it wasn't without pain, to my surprise.
2012 started with me laid up and on my back because of a degenerative disc flare up in my L6. vertebrae.
I spent the first few days of 2012 feeling sorry for myself. Wondering why my GREAT plans to start this year fresh didn't really pan out.
I even was pseudo asking God: "Hello, didn't you get the memo. No PAIN in 2012. When I said that I meant both emotional and physical." Did you hear me God?
I mean seriously.
But. I really did have this self righteous attitude.
Like for some reason because I had suffered so much in 2011 He would somehow SPARE me from more pain and suffering in 2012. Ridiculous!
'God don't work like that". I have since repented of such a prideful attitude.
I would be lying to you if I said I was ok with the thought of having another difficult season ahead of us. I do pray that the Lord would spare us from losing more babies. I pray that He would allow our plans to succeed. I think that is ok.
But the major thing I have to remember that even if there is more pain, God is still faithful. He is still holy. He is still good. I feel this has been my mantra lately, so I am sorry if I sound like a broken record, but its true. Even though I cannot see the end of my year and just the beginning, I know the Lord knows the year and its entirety. There is comfort in that.
So in praying for a good year....I remember His promise that even though it may not go as I planned (the beginning sure seems to have not followed my plan) it will go exactly as He has ordained. He has already made my "paths straight" because He is ever leading me to himself. I have an imperishable eternity promised to me because I am a daughter of the King. He saw fit to save me from an eternity spent, after this life in so much more pain than one could ever imagine. Making our worst day look like a walk in the park. He sent his Son to die for me. He readied Christ's atoning sacrafice for me. For all believers. That is incredible. Nothing I have done or will do will ever change this fact. My fate is sealed. For this I am thankful.
His mercies are new every day, every
year and every moment.
Happy New Year.
Finding much peace and joy in the words of saints who have gone before us. Two puritans who say it all so beautifully. Moves me both to tears.
"Lord, why is this?" I trembling cried.
Will you pursue your worm to death?"
"This is the way" the Lord replied,
"I answer prayer for grace and strength."
"These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set you free;
And break your schemes of earthly joy,
That you may find thy all in Me."
-John Owen
God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never-failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs,
And works His sovereign will.
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.
Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan his work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.
William Cowper
