Don't miss forest for the trees?

I have never fully understood this saying {see title above}.
Bryan says it a lot.
Basically means, don't get caught up on the little things (trees) and miss the entire forest.

Never more have I understood this when suffering through trials as a Christian.

I am reminded today of two of our dear friends, Jon and Bethany who are suffering through a long and hard adoption process in the DRC. They have been at this for almost 2 years and the "tall trees" of disappointment, injustices and even death are so hard to see past; they've threatened their view of the forest.

But, my friends see the forest. They do not despair over the many trees, but have great hope that they will come out on the other side of this "forest" maybe with cuts and hurts, but ultimately unscathed because they have their hope set in our Sovereign God {who "does not willing afflict the children of men, though he cause grief." Lamentations 3:33,32 paraphrased}

Its hard to watch other people suffer. Especially our Christian friends. Even our responses, as people of faith can be less than Godly in these moments. We want it (so badly) to go "well" with our friends that we often grieve and grow in despair in how to serve them and pray for them. Maybe, if you're honest you haven't persevered in prayer because you have lost hope in a rather hopeless situation.

Don't miss the forest for the TREES!

Isn't it interesting that the ones that "miss the forest for the trees" so often are NOT the people suffering? Its usually, the people called to pray and persevere with those suffering. It's NOT a coincidence that God abundantly PRESERVES the saints he calls to suffer. Another example of this suffering and persevering is our other friends, Patrick and Hannah as they watch their mother suffer through a traumatic brain injury. Scary events that can seem so helpless and unknown. But we do have Help. I also know this first had in my own sufferings through miscarriages. So how do we support and love those in season of suffering? How can we see less of the TREES?

Gods promises are SO CLEAR, even in the midst of suffering.

"Blessed are those whose strength is in you,

    in whose heart are the highways to Zion.^[b]

⁶ 

As they go through the Valley of Baca

    they make it a place of springs;

    the early rain also covers it with pools.

⁷ 

They go from strength to strength;

    each one appears before God in Zion."

Psalm 84:6-7

Here we see God bringing God's people through Valley of Baca (a literal place of  continual weeping), but notice they MAKE IT to places of SPRINGS and POOLS; STRENGTH to STRENGTH. Later we even see in this specific Psalm "no good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly." vs. 11b. 

Don't miss the springs and pools of strength despite the arduous journey through the valley! 

Spend time with your friends who are trudging through this valley, in their weeping and often you'll find personal joy as they find immense comfort in these pools and springs. You'll see a faith without wavering as God grows them into "oaks of righteousness" (Psalm 1). Verses like: "This I know, that God is for me. In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid" (Ps. 56:9b-11) become their mainstay. Stay with them here. Be encouraged, as you too may be tempted to miss these springs and pools for the tall, tall trees that tempt us to despair in our trials. 

I know I've shared before Psalm 106. But its such a great picture of God rescuing us from despair. Especially in vs. 25-31. Vividly shows God bringing the storm, our courage "melts" as we "reel and stagger" at our "wits end"....but he delivers us from our "distress" as he makes the storm still. Then he brings them to their "desired haven", which ultimately is HIM. Fellowship with HIM. Its the joy we find in these "pools, springs and desired havens" that we learn the secret of being transfered from sorrow to JOY. Its a mystery to those who only see God as a mean judge, willing bringing saints through valleys of continual weeping. But, what they don't see are the DEEP, DEEP pools of mercy and comfort He gives; that we WOULD NOT have KNOWN, UNLESS we walked through our own forests. I am thankful for my own forests, because I know God in richer way because of them! 

Satan wants to tempt us to get caught up in the trees. But God has POOLS and SPRINGS waiting for us. Waiting to sustain us and bring us into deeper fellowship with a Father who has promised us a "desired haven" waiting for us in "paradise" with Him one day. Until then, we walk through many forests and valleys but joyfully jumping from strength to strength. 

Don't miss the springs of mercy as you trudge through valleys. God is waiting and He is indeed merciful. 

Worthiness.

So the idea of worthiness has been on my heart lately.
Worthy: a deserving effort.  Websters definition


I have recently been reading Tim Keller's Prodigal God which takes the popular "Prodigal Son" parable from the bible and flips it on its head. Keller highlights Jesus' true meaning of the parable. Not so much with the lost, younger brother, but rather with the LOST, elder brother. He even goes as far as to say the parable would be better titled "The Two Lost Sons". Especially when you considered audience and relevance to time and place, it makes much sense. You'll have to read the book to find out why.

It is alarming to see the attitude of the elder brother. He is so righteous in his own works for keeping the "law" and obeying his father daily. So much so that he says: "I have been slaving for you!" (Luke 15:29) He says this in reaction to his fathers redemptive love toward the wayward, younger brother upon his arrival home after squandering his inheritance. He felt WORTHY.

Worthy to receive his fathers greatest blessing.
Worthy to have all his attention.
Worthy to be the apple of his eye.

What was his justification for such an attitude? Merely on the basis of his WORKS.

But we know, as Christians we cannot receive favor based on the "things" we do....

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. " Ephesians 2:8-9

"(He) who has saved us and called us to a holy life--not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time". 1 Timothy 1:9

"he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy." Titus 3:5

The part that says: "BUT because of HIS MERCY"....may be the very best thing I have ever read! 

If I am honest, my heart doesn't always believe this. It shows up in my actions and the hidden desires in my heart. 

IF I am completely HONEST I have the tendency to be the "elder brother" in the prodigal story and "slave away" at this life, unto to Godliness and in the name of "bringing God glory" to only see myself MORE GLORIFIED!! How disgusting. Just being honest. 

Pride at its worst = the idea of WORTHINESS. 

Facing the losses of 3 babies in the past 9 months has revealed some real dependency issues. 

Too much dependence on myself and not enough on the Lord. 

If I am continuing to be HONEST.....I would painfully tell you that I have thought "I am worthy to receive more children!"I am a good person.
I pray daily. I read the bible. I do what you command.....{now give me what I want!}

Like I am worthy for a paycheck because I have worked the hours. 

It just doesn't work that way. 

Children are a gift from Him. A GOOD gift and one to be desired. BUT it is NOT based on my good behavior....just as SALVATION is NOT based on my "worthiness". 

If I believe that my inheritance with the Lord is the GREATEST gift God has for me (which I do) and is based solely on HIS MERCY (like the verses above state) than why would I even consider myself worthy when He has clearly stated the way to such gifts is through Him??!!

I am not worthy.

I am a sinner. 

I am a sinner saved by Christ who said: "BUT BECAUSE of His {Christs'} MERCY", not my own. 

I have none. 

If we really think on this, it is freeing. 

May I only be found WORTHY in my utter depravity to shamelessly be clothed in Christ's Righteousness and look to Him as the only source for all things pertaining to this life. Even good things like the blessing of more children.

 "His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to our own  his own glory and excellence". 2 Peter 1:3

New Year: New Mercies

When I look back on 2011 and I get a little exhausted.
This year was definitely weighing on my heart.  I feel like my family had a good year.
Bryan saw major prayers answered and doors opened for him he didn't even really "knock" on, so to speak.
Mady grew and grew. Played and played. Had fun time after fun time. Really how awesome is a 1-2 year old's life? Pretty great.

There were major disappointment in 2011 and it started early.
In January we began the process to adopt from the Congo.  We were denied a home study based certain income requirements we could not meet. Door closed.

We miscarried 3 babies. More closed doors.

My body and my heart were exhausted.  Which is why i said: "sent through the ringer".

However, facing those things only proved to magnify God's mercy towards us. Even though I was dealing with some pretty awful circumstances God was dealing so sweetly with me. Using His word every day to minister to my heart anew. Old verses breathed new life into my heart. He upheld me. Truly. He was my rock. My refuge, my shelter. Meditating on His goodness, how he saved me, loved me. Thinking on an imperishably, magnificent eternity waiting for me with him made this tumultuous storm a smooth sail on a calm sea.  God has been so good to me that He has made suffering actually comforting.  Its hard to accurately put this into words. Words I have already blogged about countless times.

These wonderful truths do not hide the fact that this year was rough and I did spend a lot of time crying, begging, pleading with the Lord.

So you can see why I am ready to close the door on 2011. Ready to start fresh in 2012. New promises and new mercies. Not that His mercies weren't new in 2011. We know from scripture they are new every morning. (Lamentations 3:22-23) We don't need a new year to start anew! However, in my brain (the organized, nutty one) I wanted a literal new year. 

The New Year came and it wasn't without pain, to my surprise.

2012 started with me laid up and on my back because of a degenerative disc flare up in my L6. vertebrae.
I spent the first few days of 2012 feeling sorry for myself.  Wondering why my GREAT plans to start this year fresh didn't really pan out.

I even was pseudo asking God: "Hello, didn't you get the memo. No PAIN in 2012. When I said that I meant both emotional and physical." Did you hear me God?

I mean seriously.

But. I really did have this self righteous attitude.
Like for some reason because I had suffered so much in 2011 He would somehow SPARE me from more pain and suffering in 2012. Ridiculous!
'God don't work like that". I have since repented of such a prideful attitude.

I would be lying to you if I said I was ok with the thought of having another difficult season ahead of us. I do pray that the Lord would spare us from losing more babies. I pray that He would allow our plans to succeed. I think that is ok.

But the major thing I have to remember that even if there is more pain, God is still faithful. He is still holy. He is still good. I feel this has been my mantra lately, so I am sorry if I sound like a broken record, but its true. Even though I cannot see the end of my year and just the beginning, I know the Lord knows the year and its entirety. There is comfort in that.

So in praying for a good year....I remember His promise that even though it may not go as I planned (the beginning sure seems to have not followed my plan) it will go exactly as He has ordained. He has already made my "paths straight" because He is ever leading me to himself. I have an imperishable eternity promised to me because I am a daughter of the King. He saw fit to save me from an eternity spent, after this life in so much more pain than one could ever imagine. Making our worst day look like a walk in the park. He sent his Son to die for me. He readied Christ's atoning sacrafice for me. For all believers. That is incredible. Nothing I have done or will do will ever change this fact. My fate is sealed. For this I am thankful.

His mercies are new every day, every year and every moment.

Happy New Year.

Finding much peace and joy in the words of saints who have gone before us. Two puritans who say it all so beautifully. Moves me both to tears. 


"Lord, why is this?" I trembling cried.
Will you pursue your worm to death?"
"This is the way" the Lord replied,
"I answer prayer for grace and strength."

"These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set you free; 
And break your schemes of earthly joy,
That you may find thy all in Me."

-John Owen

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never-failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs,
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan his work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain. 

William Cowper

Unashamed and Freely Content

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes" Romans 1:16a. 

I have no idea where to even start with my thoughts today. 

I am so overwhelmed with the loving kindness of the Lord lately. 

I cannot even articulate just how thankful I am for His sweet mercy and provision for us. 

I have found so much joy in meditating on all that I have in Christ, as a Believer found in this verse and these lyrics to an incredible song, that has proven to be my anthem these days:

"His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire."

2 Peter 1:3-4 

"For freedom You set me free/ And yes, I am free indeed/ You rewrote my name/ And unshackled my shame/ You opened my eyes to see/ I am free!" 

Liberty, By Shane and Shane

Just a week ago I wrote about how I desired to be content. I wrote about how I felt a lacking in my life and longed to see the Lord fulfill that unanswered prayer. Longing to see Him give us a good gift; another child. What I found is that the art of being content is both a journey and a secret.  

    "...I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

(Philippians 4:11-13 ESV) 

 Well right after I wrote that post I found out I was pregnant. Days after that I found out my HCG levels were very low and not increasing as they should and that we would probably miscarry, again. A few days after that we did miscarry. And all this just days after my heart had been meditating on contentment God called us to walk through yet another miscarriage. 

Now, here we stand and I am saying, un-ashamedly so that it is the power of the gospel that I am even able to stand. Who wants to keep on suffering and walking in a trial? NO ONE! Who wants to see a good, god-given longing/ prayer left un-answered....NO ONE! But who wants to face those trials without a saving relationship and knowledge of the ONLY source of real comfort and joy that there is in this world? The answer should be, NO ONE!

I am actually happy to suffer in this trial because I have this new "platform" to share the hope I have in Christ. I have a new opportunity to bring God more glory with my life through this suffering!! 

Now, of course I wouldn't have written this into the story of my life. But thank goodness I am not the author of my life. Someone greater is and thankfully He sees the "big picture" of my life and I am just expected to do the best with the opportunities (Col. 4:2-6, Eph. 5:16) I have to glorify Him. 

"let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."
Hebrews 12;2

 Given this opportunity I feel compelled to tell you that the "storms" of life are coming. And the "sea billows will roll". You will be swept up with the tide. You will be rocked by wave after wave and it will be unbearable. (Psalm 107:23-27). I am not telling you this to scare you, but just to be honest.  The very best thing I can tell you is what we find out from the Psalmist right after this awful picture of life in the world: 

   " Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
        and he delivered them from their distress.
    He made the storm be still,
        and the waves of the sea were hushed.
    Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,
        and he brought them to their desired haven."
(Psalm 107:28-30 ESV)

Only God can bring you to your "desired haven". Your desired haven is NOT the answer to your prayer either. Your desired haven is actually HEAVEN! An ETERNITY in paradise with the Lord. No more suffering, no more pain, no more waves to swallow you. Much greater joy found than in the actual answer of your prayer or removal of your suffering!! 

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. ¹⁷For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, ¹⁸ as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

2 Cor. 4:16-18 

So my prayer for you is that you would contemplate "things unseen". That you would consider the state of your soul. Are you being tossed around by the waves of this world? Are you unsure what will happen or where you will go when you die. There is 100% assurance when you repent of your sin and run to the forgiving arms of Jesus. The answer to your prayers for help in the midst of the flood have already been answered and His name is Christ. HE died for you even before you knew you needed saving. He will quiet and calm the storms because He is the author of your life. He knows each storm and offers you a desired haven that is beyond any thing you could imagine! 

"I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.” Luke 5:32

^"16 But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. ¹⁷ Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
2 Cor. 3:16-17 

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll: Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul." 

Horatio Gates Spafford

 

Weary Words

We've proven that the old saying of "3rd times a charm" isn't exactly working like a "charm".
You'll have to excuse my cynicism, but I am a little emotionally raw as we experience our 3rd miscarriage in just 6 short (yet longest) months of my life.

My body, my emotions, my everything is spent. I am so weary. So tired of crying the same tears, saying the same prayers and reminding myself of the same things. I know they are true, but you come to a certain point in the road and you just want to know that you are ok. I think this is not only wise, but responsible after 3 consecutive losses.

When I say "ok", I mean physically. Because, spiritually I am so clinging to the Lord and I have experienced sweet intimate times with my Heavenly Father that I wouldn't trade for a thousand beautiful babies. I know through this suffering that His Word is true. I am not afraid to suffer because of His surpassing faithfulness. He has proven Himself, over and over. I am just exhausted of this journey.

I am, at this point concerned with my physical well being and the underlying "issues" surrounding these miscarriages, physiologically. I have now had two related miscarriages (early / chemical ) and a missed miscarriage which occurs when the pregnancy goes on and the baby dies without the body detecting it.

I feel like knowing some of the answers to my questions will help me rest.
All I want to do is rest. Every time I feel like I am turning a corner there is a reminder of the void and emptiness. Satan so tries to steal, in every way through this. However, the Lord has been my main stay, every present comfort....but boy do those fleeting thoughts grip you. Seize you. Take you over in a heart beat.

I am having a hard time. Mainly because I am so so so desperately tired. Weary. I have no other words. Just seeking your prayers and asking faithful believers to bring my "plight" before the Father who knows. He knows the number of my days, the number of hairs on my head and the number of tears I have shed while walking this journey. I am tired and desperately clinging and trusting these verses.

^"16So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. ¹⁷For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, ¹⁸ as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal........

⁵He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee."

2 Cor. 4:16-18, 5:5 

Praying for Contentment.....

So I've decided that praying for contentment is probably my biggest issue over the past several years.
I am pretty sure I have even blogged about this issue a few times already.
I also know that it is a very easy thing to say....but a super hard thing to actually be.

After kind of meditating over the past few days on the process of being content and praying for contentment I have come away with a few things....

1.) Contentment is a scary thing to pray for.

Not scary like "boo", but scary like the enormously vacant feeling you will have when you finally release that which you have held on to.... Left is this desolate place that can be scary and make you feel very alone; a place also for your thoughts to multiply and leaves room for Satan to steal, kill and destroy (Jn. 10:10)

Thankfully, as a Believer this can be a very rich time of growth. Removing the "old" soil and making room ("tilling" and filter out the waste) for the new soil to produce a harvest of righteousness in good works, new blessings and other sweet surprises from the Lord.

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

Hebrews 21:11

So in my case, praying for contentment (or the act of seeking contentment) looks like this.

Me doing a lot of praying, pleading, crying-out to the Lord to take certain desires away if it is not in fact due time to see this particular prayer answered. Its scary. 

For so long and in my child bearing years you strive to be like those around you and increase your family. We have done it once before, so its seems attainable. You know the feelings, the journey, the excitement...you've been there, so it is natural to desire it. Even as a woman; its a God given natural desire to pray for the Lord to give you more "arrows" in your quiver. (Psalm 127:5)

But the reward of contentment is worth the struggle. It seems that it is another necessary step in a Believers journey in Sanctification; or becoming more like Christ.

"Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment," 

1 Tim. 6:6

2.) Contentment is a process.

It ain't happening overnight folks. 

You may pray the same prayer a thousand and one times before you feel "content". 

You may also feel content one day and then the next day feel completely despaired by your lack of contentment. 

I know, personally I have definitely felt this way. I must pray every day, moment by moment, thought by thought for God to take away the (healthy/normal) desire for us to become pregnant. I want contentment to wait on His timing.

The actual definition of "Contentment" is "a state of happiness and satisfaction". 

This seems kind of lacking, if you ask me. Like, where is the formula? Where is the "means" to which one gains the state of contentment/ happiness/ satisfaction. How do you get there when you've walked through death and hurt. Its a process. 

    "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."Philippians 4:11-13

I love Paul's description of the journey of every Believer. Its a process of being brought low, then abounding to only face hunger again...to be delighted by abundance later. I find it encouraging that all the Believers, even the old school ones back in the Old Testament also spoke to this same thing....

Here is (possibly David) in the Psalms: 

    

"You who have made me see many troubles and calamities
        will revive me again;
    from the depths of the earth
        you will bring me up again.
    You will increase my greatness
        and comfort me again."

        Psalm 71:20-21 

 Its a process.....

3.) Christ is meant to be our only true and lasting contentment.

Yes, He does give us good gifts. Yes it is normal to desire good, God given gifts.

But the loneliness I feel because of the lack of this "good gift" is actually NOT GOOD. 

I am just being real. I have really struggled on multiple levels. It seems like every one around me right now is either pregnant or adopting. Everyday I hear of someone new. This is great and I am truly rejoicing with those who are rejoicing (Romans 12:15)...but sometimes its hard not to mourn when you are left without the same joy yourself. 

I have been super encouraged by several close friends who have continued to journey with me in prayer and sending me sweet notes and kind texts. Hearing my heart and crying out to the Lord on my behalf. I am so blessed. Thank you!!!

None of this, however is meant to fulfill my need for contentment. Even an ANSWER, or positive pregnancy test, in my case IS NOT meant to fulfill my need for contentment alone.

Only Christ can do that....and He is....but like I said earlier, its a process!! 

I have good days and bad. I am thankful the good days are far greater than the bad. However. The process of Contentment is a life long journey. This year and in this season it is pregnancy. In another season it will be something else. 

The Lord is teaching me less about treasuring things on this earth (like kids, husbands,  health, wealth and prosperity...all good gifts from Him) but more on my inheritance in Christ.  As a believer, my significance, happiness and satisfaction is wrapped up in Christ. All other blessings are meant as gifts. Not my sole source of contentment.....and when I do that my joy returns!!!

"but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Matthew 6:20-21

My prayer is that my heart would alone be satisfied in His goodness and my redemption in Christ, like the above verse suggests.

Please pray that and these other verses with me.

^" Better is the little that the righteous has
   than the abundance of many wicked."

Psalm 37:16

"But as for me, my prayer is to you, O LORD.
   At an acceptable time, O God,
   in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness."

Psalm 69:13

Say What!?

This say what post belongs to my ADORABLE nephew, Layton.


He's 4, the big cousin.....
and every bit of Mady's obsession!
She adores him.

I adore him and the fun things that he says. I work the 4 year old class at church (which has also been a "Say What!?" post) and it makes me smile every time I spend time with these kids. They are starting to make sense of things and ask good questions. I just love to hear how they put it all together.

This "Say What!?" moment is from lunch, after Mady's birthday party. I was sitting down at the table with Mady and Layton. He was teaching Mady the letter sounds and we were examining the table top catties (the thing that holds the sugars and salt/ pepper etc.).

He was studying the pepper shaker and looked up at me and asked:

"Is this Dr. Pepper?"
Haha!!! "No, buddy. That is just Pepper."
So, so precious.

My father in law also shared a fun story with a "Say What!?" moment.

He said Layton and him were sitting watching the World Series and my father in law asked him:
"Hey Layton, what are we watching?"

Layton said, after he thought for a moment: "The World Serious!"

Oh.my.goodness. I cannot wait to hear what Mady comes up with at 4. So fun. My sister in law must laugh and smile all day!
Can't get much cuter than that. Love my nephew(s). Fills my hearts desire for boys quite nicely....wish we lived closer at times so I could have even more time to spoil them with them.

Say What!?

This post will be full of random "Say What!" moments I am trying to desperately remember before they go away. She is changing so quickly that her little mistakes are only cute mistakes for like a week, or even a few days before she figures out the correct way to say what she is trying to say.
So here goes lately:
                                                                                                                                                                     

When I read to Mady and we are done with one book and about too move on to another I always ask her what books she wants to read next with a couple of choices.

I may say something like: "Okay Mady, we just read your Penguin book, what book would you like to read next?"

Then I offer a few suggestions she can choose from. I usually say: "How about...." (while dragging out the how about part, kind of in the 'I am trying to decide' tone)

"How about....'Night, Night Moon book', or 'I Love you Mommy' book?"

So now, when we sit down to read books or do anything, Mady will offer her choices. Only she says:
"About...." instead of "How about...". Her "About" sounds just like the tone and pitch (and even dragging it out) of my "How about..". Hilarious. Definitely one you have to be there for, but totally worth documenting for my own personal amusement.

Its so cute because she will say: "About we go walkin'", then she walks to the door and says: "Okay!!!" Answers her own questions these days. Or, another example: "About....watch eey show gether??" Translation: "How about we watch a show together?"

She loves to pick and choose our activities and I love how she phrases things just like I phrase them to her. So sweet.
                                                                                                                                                                     

Did I mention that I am no longer "Mommy" or "Momma", but rather "Mom". Bryan is also "Dad" instead of "Daddy" or our favorite, "Dadda". We also used to have a brand name, "Momma-dadda". Haven't heard that since about 18 months. So crazy how quickly their language develops at these ages.
__________________________________________________________________________________

When we read a book about all different dog breeds I try to teach her the differences between each breed. When we get to the "Boxer", which is what our precious Calvin is she usually says: "Bucky- Yamb-Chop", which is what we call him sometimes. Except her word "Yamb, is actually "Lamb". Don't ask why we call him that, but we do.

I know we have problems!
Anyways...

Now when we get to the Boxers she tries to say that they are "Boxers" and it comes out "Boxs-kers".
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So I used to have pre-warn Mady when we'd go places that people would probably come up to her and say how pretty she was, or how cute her hair was...but mainly it was warning her for the "WOW, I cannot believe she has glasses and so young!". And, these well meaning people were usually right in her face about it. So....it took some prepping before Mady was okay with this invasive-ness! Can you blame her? So, I'd warn her before grocery store trips and other outings that it was okay if someone came up to her when Mommy was there to compliment her or ask about her glasses. Just be kind and say "Thank you." Usually, even if they'd ask about her glasses they'd always compliment her in some way. People are just curious. I get it. It was sweet of them to sugar cote their curiosity with a kind remark about Mady. I appreciated it....because the questions do/did get old, and it kind of freaked Mady out when people would do this. So pre-warning was necessary for sometime, now she is used to it and generally pretty kind to people.

Okay, all that to say.....

I also "pre-warn", or rather teach Mady how to interact with others when they ask her things. I'm sure I am not the only Mom doing this. How else do they learn social graces?

For instance... (and this is where the "say what!" part comes in) when we are at the play ground by our house, I generally try to meet the moms and interact with the kids too. Its really something we try to be consistent about to reach our neighbors and our community.

So I used to tell Mady, when she really started becoming verbal: "If someone asks you your name, you say 'My name is Mady' ".

Of course usually its the parents asking the names to each other's kid and my child usually answers their question of : "What's your name?" with : "Names Manny" translation: "My name's Mady". ...which if you say that back to yourself (forgetting her pronunciation flub) she really should have just said in response to their question only her name....but, how funny that she follows her Momma's instruction to a T and tries to say: "My name's Mady.", instead of just answering with "Mady". I love it.

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There are million more stories like this, I am sure I am forgetting. I love celebrating each stage and change in their little personalities. It goes so fast. I remember my nephew going through all of this and thinking it would be forever before Mady did/ said these sort of things....but here we are! Crazy!
God is good to bless us with this little girl to love and laugh with.

Learning Obedience

Lately and since our losses I have been very reflective with how blessed I am to have Madelyn. I find myself rocking her extra long at night, grabbing a few more kisses throughout the day and giving in a little too much after I've already said "no". Which, to a two year old (we are still 2 weeks away from 2, but are already seeing signs) translates into so many areas of disobedience that I cannot even begin to tell you. Now usually, we are pretty good about being consistent. Of course making the normal first parent mistakes, but pretty consistent. However, since my miscarriage I found saying "no" to be a little bit harder. 

Don't get me wrong...rocking, kissing, holding...all GREAT things to be doing with kiddos...but the giving in part, not so great. Bad Mommy!

I didn't actually see the effects of my disobedience in discipline until today! Boy, was it rough. We had a meltdown right as we got to the park, during the park, leaving the park, at home, during nap....you get the point. The problem was really my own lack of structure regarding our choices in what we were allowing Mady to do. Small example:

I was in the nursing mothers room at church having a great conversation with someone that I had not spoken with in some time. Since the last time we spoke she has gone through a lot and I was asking her how we could be praying for their family. She was pouring her heart out and my child was also pouring hers in demand after whiny demand regarding the snacks she could see on the table. She wanted one. I said "no", she persisted. I said "no" once more, with a little more explanation. All the while I am trying to listen to my friend and not lose my cool because my two year old was displaying very typical childish behavior. Mady needed one more firm "no" and a removal from the room. However, I wanted to continue talking and I did and then when the third whine for "snack" came, I gave in. Gave her the snack that was meant to minister to the nursing mothers of our church, which I gladly serve (but in this situation, they served us....sorry ladies).

Hear me. This is just MY EXPERIENCE and MY OPINION. I am not saying this is gospel truth. This is just a small story and glimpse into our lives and my vulnerability in confessing sin. Please, no judgement here.

In the grand scheme of my disciplining Mady, this probably was a minor deviation....but when you continue to let your child {in my opinion} persist in deciding what is best for them they will begin to really "buck" your authority. This presented mainly in acting out because of a lack of structured discipline, which ever child craves and needs. Which is what I found myself doing since our last miscarriage. I was giving in to her demands, in small ways everyday to make her happy. I guess I thought (in some weird way) that if she longed for it, I wanted her to see her desires met so she didn't have to experience a yearning left un-fulfilled; like me.  WHAT!? If this isn't straight out of a Dr. Phil show, I don't know what is. Bear with me.

Thankfully, the holy spirit convicted my heart about this earlier in the week and I confessed and sought forgiveness and further wisdom in lovingly disciplining my little lady. I really felt convicted on not letting my "yes be yes and no be no", a command found in Matthew 5:37.  So since, I have gotten myself back on the course and not deviating from the "plan". I did, however brace myself for what lie ahead.  Combining the consequences of my sin and seeing its fruition the in the behavior of my "adorable little sinner" is truly sanctifying! Really a good encouragement to keep up with loving, biblical discipline.


Its so easy to give in.
Its so easy to say "yes" in the moment to have to fight to say "no" later....when "no" really has to be "no". Lesson learned!

I think I knew all along that I was sinning in my lack of consistency in commands to Mady, but like I said...since my loss and the pain we've walked through I wanted to {selfishly} avoid any more pain by giving in. Giving her a "yes" because I so desperately wanted a "yes" too. 

It wasn't that God was giving me a "NO!" with my miscarriages. It was just a "no, for right now".  A "be patient and wait" kind of answer. Really, the hardest kind if you ask me. Which is really what we are trying to teach Mady when we tell her "no". A snack is really not a bad thing for her to have, but the timing was not good and her insistence upon getting her way was not the right approach in asking. So a "no" was necessary to teach her patience and obedience. With my "no" I wanted to do two things: 1.) establish authority as her parent and 2.) ask for her respect and trust as I lovingly guide her to decisions that will "go well with her" as God's word tells us to do:

 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—  “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

Eph. 6:1-3 

 

Just like Mady, sometimes we just need a "no, wait and be patient" response. Now, please hear me. We did NOT lose these babies because we SINNED (like Mady's insistent demanding), we did nothing wrong for these things to happen. God is not an evil God with a magnified glass in the sky on a bright sunny day.  However, with-holding the answer to our asking was teaching us to trust God's authority in our lives as He lovingly guides us to what "will go well with us", just like our instruction to Mady. The outcome in teaching obedience is the same.

 

I have found lots of wisdom and encouragement in these specific verses:

  Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,
   you who have done great things.
   Who is like you, God?
 Though you have made me see troubles,
   many and bitter,
   you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
   you will again bring me up.
 You will increase my honor
   and comfort me once more.

Psalm 71:19-21

I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 13:6

    The steps of a man are established by the LORD,
        when he delights in his way;
    though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,
        for the LORD upholds his hand.

Psalm 37:23-24 

God will "restore my life again" because as I see in the patterns of my life as a believer that "He has dealt bountifully with me", therefore "I will delight in his way" and trust the Lord as He "upholds my hand".  His answer this year in our desire to adopt was "no, wait", in our desire to conceive twice was a "no, wait". We know God's timing is perfect, so we wait and trust him for the answer to our prayer; which undoubtedly will be better than any outcome we could imagine for ourselves. And just like we desire "not to exasperate our children" (Eph. 6:4) in our instruction to them, we trust the Lord will not lead us in a exasperation, but rather sanctifying us and giving us a feast instead of a snack.

Waiting Room

I wanted to highlight, for future (and present) praises some things God has done for me, in His perfect providence.

Each instance, as I have been literally waiting in the waiting room to see my doctor the Lord has sweetly dealt with me. Once, just before I was given the news that the babies heart had stopped beating (with Psalm 34:18) and also again during my appointment last week.

So here is the story of just how good and tender our Great and Magnificent God can be; and in a personal way.

At this point I had been bleeding for almost 4 weeks straight. I was having to get my hemoglobin checked every few days just to make sure I wasn't anemic. Finally, my OBGYN group said, "enough is enough" and wanted to get me in to do an ultrasound to make sure everything was healing as it should.  So, a last minute appointment was made and I rushed in to have an ultrasound. I was in good spirits and ready to find some answers. Any answers. I needed answers!

I walked up to the front desk of the office for my ultrasound and immediately relieved to see the wonderful woman who did all of my ultrasounds with Mady. I was hopping she'd be the one to do this one. For some reason that was a comfort to me. I wasn't sure how I would feel about going into the same office, with the same tech who did my last ultrasound, where I was told the babies heart stopped.

Well....guess which tech did this ultrasound? Not the one I wanted. As I followed her back to the same room, I felt convicted. I was thinking: "Seriously Danielle, just because she is your tech today means nothing compared to God's sovereignty of every area of your life. Stop being superstitious!" I struggle with that for some reason. Hah.

Anyway, all that to say my ultrasound revealed that everything has healed as it should after my D&C. She even said that my uterus looks very healthy. Ovaries looked great too. No problems to report, in fact very normal and healthy! Yay!! Immediately, I felt relief. I had more relief when I found out my hemoglobin went from 11 to a healthy 13.6 in just a few days. Yay, again!

So there I sat, waiting. Waiting to see a doctor, because mine was out of the office that day. I had good news from my ultrasound and I was ready to hear his explanation for why I was still bleeding. Just before I went back, as I was sitting surrounded by cute pregnant woman (who looked miserable) I read Isaiah 61 and was SO ENCOURAGED!

To grant to those who mourn in Zion- to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness , the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified." 
Isaiah 61: 3


Remember those last words. They are important to this story.

My name was called to be seen by the doctor.
I followed the nurse back and was greeted by the doctor whom I remembered from my OB appointments with Mady as the "UK fan". I remember liking him. He was warm.

This visit I noticed he had a gold ichthus, also known as a "Jesus Fish" pinned on the color of his white doctor's coat. I thought for a moment that that was cool. Especially in a profession that is so heavily scientific to proclaim to every patient that he believes there is something greater out there in control and that somebody is Jesus.

We talked. He encouraged me by saying I was very healthy and basically confirmed the findings of my ultrasound. He saw no reason why we would have any more trouble conceiving and carrying to term. He encouraged our future plans and assured me that I was doing just fine....just taking a bit longer to heal. The bleeding would eventually stop. ( I can say today, the 4th of October, 1 month and 2 days after my D&C that it has officially stopped. Today is the first day with no bleeding!)

I thanked him for seeing me so last minute and reassuring me. I told him we were trusting the Lord and confident in His good and perfect plans for our family. To which he said (with a huge smile) "Good, because no one can understand His ways, but him....which reminds me of the story of the blind man....." he then goes on to quote the gospel of John:

As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.
(John 9:1-3 ESV)

He didn't quote it verbatim, but he did say: "We don't understand why these things happen...its not your fault, but we do know that according to Jesus, its for God's glory." Holy moly! I was overwhelmed with encouragement. Not only did this man tell me that I physically checked out, but he used Jesus' words encourage me. In my opinion, there is no better word to encourage with than His Word. {I cannot find another word for "encourage...sorry for its over use....haha}

Since we found out we lost this baby. I kept saying and pleading with God that He would receive glory in some way through this suffering. If in some way, our pain in loss could bring about glory to our great God than it was worth it. Well, like a wax seal to an envelope, so came my answer literally right before my appointment and right after. (Go back and re-read Isaiah 61:3 from above and notice the embolden words)

I have heard from so many people that have encouraged me with kind words about how my open healing has been an encouragement to them. That they are spurred on towards Christ and praising God for the joy we have despite our circumstances.

God is getting glory and I pray to be found in no other place.

All this to say....  God is GOOD, He hears our prayers and has not left us to ourselves. Our mourning will turn into songs of praise. We will be adorned with gladness and planted deep as an oak of righteousness, befitting of praise to our God!

"Say What!?"

Ok, so this "Say What" post is actually NOT about my child.
It is about a kiddo from my Nursery class last Sunday. I help teach the 4 year old class. If you know anything about kids, you know that the ages from 3-6 are hilarious when it comes to what comes out of their mouths. Both hilarious and sometimes terrifying! Hah. I cannot imagine what Ms. Mady will say :)

This story was just too funny to not put in my "Say What!?" section. Couldn't pass it up.
I will neither confirm, nor deny that this child is the son or daughter of an elder of my church. Which makes this story even more fun!

We were teaching the Story of Babel.
Teacher explained what different languages were and how the Lord caused the people to speak in different languages to fall into confusion. She even demonstrated in Spanish. Of course none of them understood what she said in Spanish. To which she said:

"You didn't understand me because I was speaking in a different language! I was speaking Spanish."

This certain little someone then stated, with full authority: "I speak NORMAL."

As if that wasn't funny enough....there is more.

A little later we were reviewing Catechism questions. This little someone was asked:

"Who created you?"...."God." 
"Prove it." (Which means, 'what is the scripture reference that tells us this') To this he/she said: "I can't!" Ok, haha. Hilarious....


"What else did God create?" : "HORSES!!" Hahaa!! Yes, true, but not quite the answer we were looking for. How about "All things!"
And again, "Prove it!" : "I can't!" 

Oh, my goodness. I love kids! I love their little hearts and the words that just pour out of their mouths! Never disappointing. This little person knew the correct answers, but his or her first responses were too funny!!

In the Desert Place

I always thought that when a Christian said they were in the "desert" that it was a bad thing. Kind of like being in a time of wandering. Not in deliberate sin, but just searching and having little to none "warm fuzzies", as one author calls them. I assumed the "desert" was like being in the "wilderness"; as believers often use such analogies when they are speaking of intense times in their walk where they feel distant from the Lord.  I know that I have had such "wilderness" times in my walk. The years of 2006-2008, I was there.

After doing a few searches, nothing fancy and I may not be 100% correct on this, but God uses both the "wilderness" and "desert" synonymously a lot in the Bible.  Kind of like when the Israelites wandered in the desert, they were "lead into the wilderness". One example being in Exodus 13:18. There are several different translations of the bible and all of these translations interchange the world "desert" and "wilderness".

As I continue reading the book A Praying Life the author, Paul Miller suggests a time in the desert is like a time of unanswered prayer and thus producing suffering. At first, as I read I thought "Oh this place must stink!", but as I keep reading I was encouraged to learn more of Millers interpretation of this "desert place".

On page 184 he talks about how in the desert place "we slowly give up the fight", "wills are broken by the reality of our circumstances", our "idols die for lack of food".  It can be a time where we see God so clearly and is absolutely a necessary time for growing our prayer life.

"The desert is God's best hope for creation of authentic self. Desert life sanctifies you. You have no idea you are changing. You simply notice after you've been in the desert awhile you are different." pg. 185

He goes on to say...

"The desert becomes a window to the heart of God. He finally gets your attention because he's the only game in town." pg. 185

Isn't it true, if you imagine a desert that it is so desolate, vast and open that you would see nothing more than bleakness of wide open spaces? Making it so easy to focus on your heart and how the Lord is refining it by the fire. There are no other distractions; you see everything in the scope of what the Lord is currently leading you through to bring you closer to Him. 

That has been my experience with these miscarriages. Everything in my life, right now can be seen through the lens of "loss in this life" to only spur me on to find hope in the joy of beholding Christ. And the next few lines of his book (quoted below) are so true of my life right now. I thought I wasn't in a time of "desert" or "wilderness" because of the negative connotations to it. However, I am learning that it isn't and doesn't have to be a place associated with being lost, but rather a place with rich growth as we draw from streams of His mercy.

"You cry out to God so long and so often that a channel begins to open up between you and God. When driving, you turn off the radio just to be with God. At night you drift in and out of prayer with you are sleeping. Without realizing it, you have learned to pray continuously. The clear, fresh water of God's presence that you discover in the desert becomes a well inside your own heart." pg. 185

I know for me and in this season, my desert walk with the Lord has only added more fuel to my fire and I think that is God's intention with suffering in the Christians life. Its meant to be used for His glory. I often felt strange when I was rejoicing more in His Word, than crying out in pain during this season of loss in our life. Like I wasn't healing properly because I found more joy in the midst of this trial than dwelling on the deep pain. God is so good to do that, but had it not been for the walks in the desert I wouldn't have found this place. 

Miller continues to share a story in his personal life where the Lord brought his wife into her own "desert place". Their daughter, Kim has severe developmental autism. Which, of course was a suffering the Lord allowed in their lives to produce closer reliance on Him in all areas of their walks. Especially in prayer. He talked about how his wife prayed the same prayers to the Lord for 20 years, regarding their daughter before the Lord answered them. Talk about a desert journey!

"God left Jill (his wife) in confusion in order to grow her faith, her ability to connect with him. To become like a child." pg. 192

"When we suffer, we long for God to speak clearly, to tell us the end of the story and, most of all, to show himself. But if he showed himself fully and immediately, if he answered all the questions, we'd never grow; we'd never emerge from our chrysalis because we'd be forever dependent." pg. 194

and for his wife's journey, he says:

"Jill was profoundly changed in her twenty-year wait. If God had instantly explained everything to her and healed Kim (their daughter), that change would not have taken place. No one works like him. He is such a lover of souls." pg. 194

 I so relate to his wife. I so desperately want to blink and be 3 months pregnant, with a healthy heartbeat and kicking legs on the screen of an ultrasound. But, God doesn't promise that the answer to my prayers and my time with Him in the desert will end this way. He is, however teaching me to find "fullness of joy" (Ps. 16:11)  in His presence as I wait and trust in Him alone. He has to bring me on this journey in order to make me the person He is fashioning me to be.

"The best gift of the desert is God's presence. We see this in Psalm 23:
"He leads me beside still waters" vs. 2
"goodness and love will pursue me" vs. 6 
and though I may go "through the valley of the shadow of death," he is next to me- "I will fear no evil, for you are with me" vs. 4....The protective love of the Shepherd give me the courage to face the interior journey." pg. 186

**Please continue to be in prayer for me and healing. I have continued to bleed since my D&C on September 2. Please pray the Lord would effectively heal my body. Pray for the wisdom of my doctor to know how to treat me. Pray for my heart, as daily this physical ailment is a reminder that life was there and is now gone.**

Happiness

My bible study is doing a new study and I couldn't be more excited, especially after reading the first chapter. Its going to be a good one! The book is called "True Happiness", its a collection of Martyn Lloyd-Jones' sermons on Psalm 1 and Psalm 107. Just recently I posted, in this post with excerpts from Psalm 107. Such a great Psalm.

Its no secret that the Lord has continually used the Psalms in my life. Months before becoming a believer, the holy spirit used David's Psalms to convict my heart of the sin within and teach me how to cry out in repentance. Years ago I took a class at Seminary Wives Institute on Spiritual Disciplines taught by Dr. Donald Whitney. It was there that I learned Whitney's 5 a day method of praying through Psalms.  This was revolutionary for my quiet times and learning how to pray scripture. I haven't stopped using this method since! And recently the Lord has rekindled my love for the Psalms in using them to encourage my heart in healing after each miscarriage. The Psalms are and will probably always be apart of my morning quiet time and now, with this study I am so excited to study and memorize and study, with my girl friends, Psalm 1 and 107.

What I wasn't prepared for was just how amazing Martyn Lloyd-Jones' sermons would be!! I have been so deeply encouraged that even though these sermons were written in 1963 and 1955, they are still so applicable. Because, and as Lloyd-Jones points out, "there is nothing new under the sun" (Ecc. 1:9).

God is not surprised at the world and its sin. Or our pain and suffering therein. Here are few excerpts from the book that I have found very fitting to my personal life, right now.

"Life is a tragedy. The truth appears everywhere; it is all around us, and it is the great problem and the quest of human beings. People are searching for happiness because they find themselves in the midst of tragedy. But so many come to the conclusion that their quest is impossible, with the only outcome that often depicted so brilliantly by Shakespeare- the last scene with almost everybody being killed. That is the end of it all- tragedy. (True Happiness, pg. 14)........

......."The Bible answers all that and denies it. It says, "Yes, what you've been saying is true in a sense, but you've left out the most important factor: GOD!" "Blessed is the man...." (Psalm 1:1a) Happiness is possible even in this world . "Peace, perfect peace, in this dark world of sin?" "YES" "The blood of Jesus whispers peace within." This is a great protest against the despair, the hopelessness, the cynicism of a world without God."  (True Happiness, pg. 15, 16)

I feel I am experiencing a "tragedy" in my own life now, as I mourn the two babies we lost. However, and that is a big HOWEVER....I have been SO SO encouraged, as I have already blogged about, the "perfect peace" I have within. Again I will say, its because of Christ and the freedom I have in my relationship with Him. The freedom I have to look forward to my inheritance in Him, being called a daughter of the King and also drawing from the ever-flowing fountain of compassion God has drowned me with, during this "tragedy". He hasn't left my side.

Just thought I'd share another way God has been so good in ministering to my weary soul in bringing this Bible Study/ Book into my life and during this season.  I hope Jone's words (shared above) have been an encouragement to your heart as well.

T.M.I.

Post entitled T. M. I. for multiple reasons.
Yes, there will be medical info and womanly lingo, which could fall into the ranks of T.M.I.
There will also just be a lot of information regarding what the Lord has been doing in our lives since my last post.
You've been warned.

I've been M.I.A. for a little bit. Mady and I traveled to Maryland to visit my family. We had a great time seeing loved ones and it was a good distraction from all the thoughts going through my mind just a few days after my D&C. I will say, even though my mind was distracted, my emotions certainly were not. My hormones were all over the flippin' place. One minute I was laughing with my brother until my sides hurt and the next I am driving down the free way crying and ready to cuss all in the same moment. Felt a lot like an extreme case of PMS! I was definitely praying without ceasing while I was there. Praying for patience to deal with the roller coaster of emotions and continue to heal and process everything that was going on.

I have been reading A Praying Life by Paul Miller during this whole "ordeal".  Bryan bought it for me about a month ago, early in my pregnancy. It has been a great reminder to turn to the Lord in prayer when times were hard, good and in between. Praying like a child, leaning on my Father, trusting in Him, praying without ceasing have all been good reminders as we've walked down the road of loosing two babies. It also has proved to be fail safe for many reasons. Here is one:

One evening, while in MD I was so encouraged. Encouraged to pray for Bryan who was about to face two of the most important interviews of his career and not to mention our future ministry plans. On Friday he was interviewing for his Ph. D at SBTS and then the very next day jumping on a plane to DC to interview with Capitol Hill Baptist Church for a 6 month pastoral internship, starting in Jan. 2012.

Without going into too much detail, it kind of seemed ridiculous for us to put off a Ph. D acceptance to do this pastoral internship for 6 months, barring he was accepted into both. We have a house, a job(s), benefits, a dog, a church we serve, ministry opportunities locally, new medical problems....just to name of the few reasons we should stay put. However, we were trusting the Lord and letting the world worry about the foolishness that our plans seemed. We were confident that He would direct our steps and ordain everything to work just right. We were excited about both opportunities and knew it was "win-win". If he was accepted into the pastoral program, because he would just start his Ph. D once we got back in May 2012. 

To say my husband is humble is putting it mildly. He can be found somewhere between lamenting and humility. Hah! Just kidding, but we have had many a conversation about his lack of confidence in the gifts the Lord has given him. He struggles with this. I try to encourage him to operate out of what God has given him instead of focusing on what He has not given him. Or just chosen to withhold from Him for a season. Its tough and definitely easier said than done.

Well that night the Lord prompted me to pray for him. To be confident in all the gifts he has been given. Humble, yet bold in the truth of the gospel. Also praying that God would open and close doors of opportunity for him in ministry. Direct our steps and clearly move in regards to these two opportunities before him.

The very next morning our answer came. Unexpectedly so. This is Thursday, the day before the Ph. D interview and two days before he left for DC. Bryan was contacted by Boyce College, the undergraduate college of Southern Seminary to possibly teach a class in the Christian Worldview and Apologetics department (in the same/similar field he will do his future Ph. D in).  Now, I may be getting some details muddled, but basically a few hours later he interviewed and was hired to teach the course in critical reasoning. Talk about an immediate answer to prayer and MAJOR encouragement for Bryan. Both of us didn't see that one coming. I am so excited (so is he). Guess when the class starts? January 2012. The same semester as the Pastoral internship. God answered, directed our steps and placed us where we should be. Thank you Lord.

I couldn't sleep that night. I was up thanking the Lord for His obvious hand in our lives. I was encouraged, even as I soaked my pillow with tears from a broken heart, missing my babies lost, I was still overcome with praise! God does that. He moves in at just the right moment to encourage as if to say, "hey, I am here. moving. doing and orchestrating things just right. don't worry. I am here."

I can be found most days in the "I am here" promise. Like for instance today.

Today was the first day I had to go back for my post op. appointment after the D&C.
I have bled straight for 2 weeks. Non stop and its actually started to pick up some pace. I started to get worried I was bleeding too much and was thankful for my appointment today to get my hemoglobin tested.

For some reason I was excited to go to the doctor today. Like hoping to maybe have some fool proof plan laid out for the next baby, that would reassure me, or something.
There is no such plan!
God is the giver and creator of life, not my doctor. 
I was found,  once again in the I am here.

I am on a 3 day, insane (multiple pills at once) dose of Birth Control pills to stop the bleeding.
I go back this Tuesday, if I don't make it to the ER first. I'll be fine, I am not headed there, promise. But it was a little scary when my doctor said that.  I do feel good, despite feeling a little like the woman who bleed for 12 years. {Exaggerating, a bit, ok a lot}

The news I wasn't ready for, but thought it may be coming was how long we will have to wait to "try again".
3 Months.
3 months!? Are you nuts!?
3 Months.

I am here.

Today I am found in a mixture of rejoicing over answered prayer (in our lives as well as our best friends lives, read here for an amazing journey) and grieving. Grieving things that weren't promised to me, but hinted at.  Missing these babies, hoping for our future and trusting the I am here promise from my Heavenly Father.

"Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord 'You are my Lord; I have NO good apart from you'."  

Psalm 16:1-2

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forever more. " 

 Psalm 16:11

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,

for my hope is from him.

 He only is my rock and my salvation,

my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

 On God rests my salvation and my glory;

my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour out your heart before him;

God is a refuge for us. Selah"

Psalm 62:5-8

"Seek the LORD, while he may be found; call upon him while he is near;" Isaiah 55:6 

I am thankful that He is near to the believer, always. The holy spirit gives us the words to pray and He intercedes our groaning.

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God."

Romans 8:26-27

"through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." 

Romans 5:2-5

That last verse has been so incredibly freeing to me. Hope will not disappoint (as one translation says) because God's LOVE has been POURED out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit. Thank you Lord. I have reason to hope and rest in the promise that You are here with me.  If you don't know the Lord in this way, stop what you are doing and RUN to Him. I want you to experience this incredible hope of the Gospel of Christ. You know what I am saying is true, if I can say it in the midst of my suffering. Stop, repent and run to His arms "Seek Him, while he may be found." Is. 55:6