T.M.I.

Post entitled T. M. I. for multiple reasons.
Yes, there will be medical info and womanly lingo, which could fall into the ranks of T.M.I.
There will also just be a lot of information regarding what the Lord has been doing in our lives since my last post.
You've been warned.

I've been M.I.A. for a little bit. Mady and I traveled to Maryland to visit my family. We had a great time seeing loved ones and it was a good distraction from all the thoughts going through my mind just a few days after my D&C. I will say, even though my mind was distracted, my emotions certainly were not. My hormones were all over the flippin' place. One minute I was laughing with my brother until my sides hurt and the next I am driving down the free way crying and ready to cuss all in the same moment. Felt a lot like an extreme case of PMS! I was definitely praying without ceasing while I was there. Praying for patience to deal with the roller coaster of emotions and continue to heal and process everything that was going on.

I have been reading A Praying Life by Paul Miller during this whole "ordeal".  Bryan bought it for me about a month ago, early in my pregnancy. It has been a great reminder to turn to the Lord in prayer when times were hard, good and in between. Praying like a child, leaning on my Father, trusting in Him, praying without ceasing have all been good reminders as we've walked down the road of loosing two babies. It also has proved to be fail safe for many reasons. Here is one:

One evening, while in MD I was so encouraged. Encouraged to pray for Bryan who was about to face two of the most important interviews of his career and not to mention our future ministry plans. On Friday he was interviewing for his Ph. D at SBTS and then the very next day jumping on a plane to DC to interview with Capitol Hill Baptist Church for a 6 month pastoral internship, starting in Jan. 2012.

Without going into too much detail, it kind of seemed ridiculous for us to put off a Ph. D acceptance to do this pastoral internship for 6 months, barring he was accepted into both. We have a house, a job(s), benefits, a dog, a church we serve, ministry opportunities locally, new medical problems....just to name of the few reasons we should stay put. However, we were trusting the Lord and letting the world worry about the foolishness that our plans seemed. We were confident that He would direct our steps and ordain everything to work just right. We were excited about both opportunities and knew it was "win-win". If he was accepted into the pastoral program, because he would just start his Ph. D once we got back in May 2012. 

To say my husband is humble is putting it mildly. He can be found somewhere between lamenting and humility. Hah! Just kidding, but we have had many a conversation about his lack of confidence in the gifts the Lord has given him. He struggles with this. I try to encourage him to operate out of what God has given him instead of focusing on what He has not given him. Or just chosen to withhold from Him for a season. Its tough and definitely easier said than done.

Well that night the Lord prompted me to pray for him. To be confident in all the gifts he has been given. Humble, yet bold in the truth of the gospel. Also praying that God would open and close doors of opportunity for him in ministry. Direct our steps and clearly move in regards to these two opportunities before him.

The very next morning our answer came. Unexpectedly so. This is Thursday, the day before the Ph. D interview and two days before he left for DC. Bryan was contacted by Boyce College, the undergraduate college of Southern Seminary to possibly teach a class in the Christian Worldview and Apologetics department (in the same/similar field he will do his future Ph. D in).  Now, I may be getting some details muddled, but basically a few hours later he interviewed and was hired to teach the course in critical reasoning. Talk about an immediate answer to prayer and MAJOR encouragement for Bryan. Both of us didn't see that one coming. I am so excited (so is he). Guess when the class starts? January 2012. The same semester as the Pastoral internship. God answered, directed our steps and placed us where we should be. Thank you Lord.

I couldn't sleep that night. I was up thanking the Lord for His obvious hand in our lives. I was encouraged, even as I soaked my pillow with tears from a broken heart, missing my babies lost, I was still overcome with praise! God does that. He moves in at just the right moment to encourage as if to say, "hey, I am here. moving. doing and orchestrating things just right. don't worry. I am here."

I can be found most days in the "I am here" promise. Like for instance today.

Today was the first day I had to go back for my post op. appointment after the D&C.
I have bled straight for 2 weeks. Non stop and its actually started to pick up some pace. I started to get worried I was bleeding too much and was thankful for my appointment today to get my hemoglobin tested.

For some reason I was excited to go to the doctor today. Like hoping to maybe have some fool proof plan laid out for the next baby, that would reassure me, or something.
There is no such plan!
God is the giver and creator of life, not my doctor. 
I was found,  once again in the I am here.

I am on a 3 day, insane (multiple pills at once) dose of Birth Control pills to stop the bleeding.
I go back this Tuesday, if I don't make it to the ER first. I'll be fine, I am not headed there, promise. But it was a little scary when my doctor said that.  I do feel good, despite feeling a little like the woman who bleed for 12 years. {Exaggerating, a bit, ok a lot}

The news I wasn't ready for, but thought it may be coming was how long we will have to wait to "try again".
3 Months.
3 months!? Are you nuts!?
3 Months.

I am here.

Today I am found in a mixture of rejoicing over answered prayer (in our lives as well as our best friends lives, read here for an amazing journey) and grieving. Grieving things that weren't promised to me, but hinted at.  Missing these babies, hoping for our future and trusting the I am here promise from my Heavenly Father.

"Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord 'You are my Lord; I have NO good apart from you'."  

Psalm 16:1-2

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forever more. " 

 Psalm 16:11

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,

for my hope is from him.

 He only is my rock and my salvation,

my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

 On God rests my salvation and my glory;

my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour out your heart before him;

God is a refuge for us. Selah"

Psalm 62:5-8

"Seek the LORD, while he may be found; call upon him while he is near;" Isaiah 55:6 

I am thankful that He is near to the believer, always. The holy spirit gives us the words to pray and He intercedes our groaning.

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God."

Romans 8:26-27

"through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." 

Romans 5:2-5

That last verse has been so incredibly freeing to me. Hope will not disappoint (as one translation says) because God's LOVE has been POURED out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit. Thank you Lord. I have reason to hope and rest in the promise that You are here with me.  If you don't know the Lord in this way, stop what you are doing and RUN to Him. I want you to experience this incredible hope of the Gospel of Christ. You know what I am saying is true, if I can say it in the midst of my suffering. Stop, repent and run to His arms "Seek Him, while he may be found." Is. 55:6