I wish I had words

to accurately explain my emotions lately...

I feel like I've been all over the place lately. Even more chaotic than my normal emotional, roller coaster of a ride that I call my life.

The saying is so true: "Woman are like spaghetti and men are like waffles." Well, the saying goes something like that; you get my point. I can be thinking (fretting) about so many different things to the point of tears and exaggerations in my mind and I look over my husband who reads his greek and studies his vocab like there isn't a care in the world. Not that he doesn't care, he does...very deeply. He just compartmentalizes...like most guys....WAFFLES! I am so jealous.

He just happened to be on the square that involved Greek, while I was making dinner, planning what I am going to be doing after dinner, making a short list in my head of groceries we need, while thinking of all the money we don't have. All of this while boiling a beef brisket....SPAGHETTI! If I had to be compared to any food, I'm glad its spaghetti and not waffles. Waffles are sticky and I'm Italian, so spaghetti suits me. Not to mention my thoughts usually do intersect all over the place causing many "a-pile up".

But, this statement speaks volumes for what has been going on in our house. The stress level (and when I say the stress level, I am speaking like its "ours", but really its just me) is thick...you could cut it with a knife. I am walking on egg shells, not to set MYSELF off! Sad when you have to be careful not to set your own self off. Off, into a brief moment of "why me", "why is this so hard", "why can't it be five years from now", etc....etc. As you can tell, I have MAJOR issues with contentment. Major.

Lately these issues have clouded my vision so badly I can hardly see my hand in front of my face. I am finding myself crippled by my emotions and "what ifs" and "why nots" that I am paralyzed somewhere between "I hate my life" and "its all going to be ok". I know that sounds so harsh and very ridiculous of someone to be saying who has a beautifully, healthy baby to love and take care of every day. Also ridiculous because I have a loving husband who desires to help me get out of this emotional state I am in.

Lately those two things keep me going.....i am finding so many blessings in these roles but I am tangled in the spaghetti. I see where I want to be, but I have to go through this place to get there.

So your probably wondering what is going on. In a nut shell....
Life is hard. This is a hard season. Money is tight. I am not trusting in God like I should. I am caught up in circumstances. I am not content and I am living in the mythical land of "what if" and "why not". A very dangerous place to be. I have not shared this with many people, but I am struggling in this place. I desperately want to be on the other side, but I must go through this valley. I am so sick of the valleys.

I was reluctant to blog, but as most of you know; Woman are spaghetti who wish to sort our random "noodles" (or emotions) into compartments...the way I do that is to talk about them. So there you have it.