and then there was one....

Bryan ordered me out of the house tonight. Told me I needed a break. Could have been because of my pounding headache or he may have noticed my impatience with Mady as she constantly said: "Momma, Momma!!" and reached for me while we were trying to have dinner. I blurted out in desperation: "Can't I just eat dinner Mady?" To which he stated:
"You will get out of this house after you eat. I don't want to hear any more about it. Go, walk around Target, sit in a coffee shop, do whatever....just don't spend a lot of money. This is an Ephesians 5 submissions moment. Go and have a break."

The only problem is....i have no idea what to do. I am a mother and a wife. When do I ever have time alone. I have forgotten what it feels like to be in public and alone. Its odd. I feel like everyone is looking at me and wondering what I am doing. (Probably not). It took me five minutes to figure out where to sit, what to do. I surfed FB for about five minutes. Read some blogs. Stared at some people and now I am stuck....so I've decided to blog.

I should have brought my bible or a book. I texted Bryan to tell him that I just remembered that this is a time that I used to read. I read books at one time. You other mom's know where I am coming with that. Anyway, I should have thought ahead. I am in starbucks with my computer and headphones. I am loving listening to my new itunes purchase, Sing Over Me; Worship and Lullabies. A great CD I searched for when Mady was little. Couldn't find it, mainly because I didn't remember the name of the CD...but last night in a moment of utopia one of the songs from the album came on my Pandora Station and I immediately bought it. I love it. I am also loving Brooke Fraser lately. Great music.

So there is a lot of stirring in my heart lately. Here comes the meat of the post.

I have been overwhelmed with some sin in my life. Probably the root cause of my headache today. Staying up until 1 am, heavy with the weight of unrepentant sin can be a sleep disturbance to say the least.  Finally I surrendered. Why do we forget as Christians that this is important and makes you feel so much better.  And also, if only to rightly align yourself with God. I am so guilty of trying to take that throne. Sorry Jesus. Thank goodness for grace!

My heart is stirring with many things. Do you ever feel or get stuck in the desire to be the person you know hope you will be in 10 years? Walk in those shoes, think those wise thoughts? Well, that is how I have felt lately. I am tired of the struggles of this age. The many struggles in circumstances needed for that future wisdom. I am more content now than I ever have been, but that doesn't mean you wont yearn for the future. I don't want to rush out of this stage. I love life right now, its just hard. I smile to think about gray hairs, discipling woman, pre-marital counseling, pre-teen kidos, youth group events, missions and all the other things I want to do with my life and my families ministry. But, for now we will trudge through the land of struggles and hard lessons learned because.....

" ....you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:3-4

I don't want to rush 10 years forward, because I don't want to be "lacking in anything" worth while for the moments and struggles 10 years from now. Thank goodness He gives us more than we ask for the day, the moment, the struggle.