Mixed Emotions

B and I are about to go on a trip. A MUCH over due trip. We are about a week away from our 5th wedding anniversary and only 2 weeks away from our 7th "nice-to-meet-and-greet-you" anniversary. You see, we met at a very special place at a very special time in our lives. We meet on Summer Project with Campus Crusade for Christ in Daytona Beach Florida. The summer was a "spiritual greenhouse" for us both. We made lasting relationships and grew in some valuable ways. God used that summer to also bring both of us together. In fact, within moments of me getting out of my car and arriving in Daytona, that hot summer in '04, we meet for the first time. Blue eyes, blue trunks, cute! Is all I can remember thinking about Bryan. (I won't mention what Bryan remembers). Ha.

Needless to say, it was a special summer for us. We have very fond memories there and are excited to go back.

Besides that.

We are also looking forward to the much needed break. Since we've been married we have not gone alone on a vacation (week long break to a beach) since our honeymoon! We did go to Chicago two years ago before we had Mady and to celebrate another anniversary, but it was only a short weekend and I was in my early weeks of being pregnant....it was fun, but tiring. We got married young and haven't had a lot of money to make extravagant travel plans, nor have we had time with working and school. However, next week that is all about to change. We plan to ONLY RELAX in Daytona: lay out by the beach and talk. We are excited about being together, just the two of us. It will be great and much needed.

But, I have to be honest.
I am experiencing mixed emotions about the trip.
Especially now considering we have a little one in the picture.

Normally, I'd be fine with picking up and leaving all responsibilities to lay by the ocean. I love the ocean. I am a beach baby from way back, going at least once a year since birth. Most summers twice. I am way beyond my expiration date for Vitamin D, salty air, sandy toes and the sound of waves crashing.  But....

I have some new priorities that definitely put my needs on the way back burner.
Her name is Mady.
She wears glasses and is so stinkin' adorable she makes my insides ache!

Someone recently said that seeing your children is like seeing your heart walking around outside of your body. Yes. Yes. Yes! So true.

Having said that.
My heart likes to be connected to my body (or at least in the same state).
I must admit. One of the hardest things for me as a Christian mother is putting my husband before my child. I know that physical needs of an infant/ baby/ toddler do sometimes, in their urgency trump those needs of our spouse, but we are called, by God to honor our spouses above our children and even ourselves. While of course in this not forsaking the immediate physical health of one or all of these variables.

Oh boy, how often do I fail miserably at this. I am constantly having to confess and seek forgiveness from Bryan on many accounts where I am more enamored in love for Mady than him. That sounds horrible! Of course I am totally in love with my husband and have so much fun with him, but the love I feel for my child is so different. Often the desire to show that love to a little baby is more immediate than to my grown man of a husband.  Sadly, I struggle with this all too often.

I don't know if the reason is because Mady was so prayed for and so desperately desired in the several months it took us to become pregnant. Or if its just the innate way that God designed me as a woman to love, care and nurture a child in a different way than a man can experience. Men, do have this gift too, but a woman's, mother's love is fashioned different. It just is.  However, on the flip side of this is that God also uniquely fashioned me to love B in a way that only I can minister to him as his wife. I am without excuse.

All that to say.
I am so in need of some TLC with my super, duper, hot husband, but so not ready to leave my super, duper, cutie-pa-tutee daughter.

I so enjoy my days with her. Everyday I was pregnant and going to work, I would rub my belly and count the months until I was free from this burden of "working" in the world and leave to be able to be a full-time "worker" in my home. I delight in this ministry. Especially the part about raising the children.

So, I share this to say. Please pray for me.
I need prayer.
My heart is heavy tonight, so much so that its nearing 1 am. and I am unable to sleep with this rock of emotion on my chest. Without getting into too much detail about the "what" of why I am emotional about going....let me leave you with some truths to please be praying for us.

• God is sovereign and in control of all things. Col. 1:17 (Mady's happiness, comfort, routines, sleep, play, attachment, bonding to grandparents etc, etc, etc)
• That I would find "peace that transcends all understanding" in trusting the Lord for our safety and Mady's while we are gone.
• The Lord orders our steps and not a sparrow falls without Him knowing. That I would relax and find rest in the fact that He is ultimately caring better for Mady everyday, better than I ever could. He is in control, not me! Ever!
• We (Bryan and I) would fall in love with the "bride of our youth". Be refreshed and renewed in our unity and marriage as a couple.
• That the Lord would use this time to grow us in His word and His mission/call for our lives as a family. That we would have a good time to reflect, be thankful and praise our Lord for His continued mercy and kindness in our lives.