In the Desert Place

I always thought that when a Christian said they were in the "desert" that it was a bad thing. Kind of like being in a time of wandering. Not in deliberate sin, but just searching and having little to none "warm fuzzies", as one author calls them. I assumed the "desert" was like being in the "wilderness"; as believers often use such analogies when they are speaking of intense times in their walk where they feel distant from the Lord.  I know that I have had such "wilderness" times in my walk. The years of 2006-2008, I was there.

After doing a few searches, nothing fancy and I may not be 100% correct on this, but God uses both the "wilderness" and "desert" synonymously a lot in the Bible.  Kind of like when the Israelites wandered in the desert, they were "lead into the wilderness". One example being in Exodus 13:18. There are several different translations of the bible and all of these translations interchange the world "desert" and "wilderness".

As I continue reading the book A Praying Life the author, Paul Miller suggests a time in the desert is like a time of unanswered prayer and thus producing suffering. At first, as I read I thought "Oh this place must stink!", but as I keep reading I was encouraged to learn more of Millers interpretation of this "desert place".

On page 184 he talks about how in the desert place "we slowly give up the fight", "wills are broken by the reality of our circumstances", our "idols die for lack of food".  It can be a time where we see God so clearly and is absolutely a necessary time for growing our prayer life.

"The desert is God's best hope for creation of authentic self. Desert life sanctifies you. You have no idea you are changing. You simply notice after you've been in the desert awhile you are different." pg. 185

He goes on to say...

"The desert becomes a window to the heart of God. He finally gets your attention because he's the only game in town." pg. 185

Isn't it true, if you imagine a desert that it is so desolate, vast and open that you would see nothing more than bleakness of wide open spaces? Making it so easy to focus on your heart and how the Lord is refining it by the fire. There are no other distractions; you see everything in the scope of what the Lord is currently leading you through to bring you closer to Him. 

That has been my experience with these miscarriages. Everything in my life, right now can be seen through the lens of "loss in this life" to only spur me on to find hope in the joy of beholding Christ. And the next few lines of his book (quoted below) are so true of my life right now. I thought I wasn't in a time of "desert" or "wilderness" because of the negative connotations to it. However, I am learning that it isn't and doesn't have to be a place associated with being lost, but rather a place with rich growth as we draw from streams of His mercy.

"You cry out to God so long and so often that a channel begins to open up between you and God. When driving, you turn off the radio just to be with God. At night you drift in and out of prayer with you are sleeping. Without realizing it, you have learned to pray continuously. The clear, fresh water of God's presence that you discover in the desert becomes a well inside your own heart." pg. 185

I know for me and in this season, my desert walk with the Lord has only added more fuel to my fire and I think that is God's intention with suffering in the Christians life. Its meant to be used for His glory. I often felt strange when I was rejoicing more in His Word, than crying out in pain during this season of loss in our life. Like I wasn't healing properly because I found more joy in the midst of this trial than dwelling on the deep pain. God is so good to do that, but had it not been for the walks in the desert I wouldn't have found this place. 

Miller continues to share a story in his personal life where the Lord brought his wife into her own "desert place". Their daughter, Kim has severe developmental autism. Which, of course was a suffering the Lord allowed in their lives to produce closer reliance on Him in all areas of their walks. Especially in prayer. He talked about how his wife prayed the same prayers to the Lord for 20 years, regarding their daughter before the Lord answered them. Talk about a desert journey!

"God left Jill (his wife) in confusion in order to grow her faith, her ability to connect with him. To become like a child." pg. 192

"When we suffer, we long for God to speak clearly, to tell us the end of the story and, most of all, to show himself. But if he showed himself fully and immediately, if he answered all the questions, we'd never grow; we'd never emerge from our chrysalis because we'd be forever dependent." pg. 194

and for his wife's journey, he says:

"Jill was profoundly changed in her twenty-year wait. If God had instantly explained everything to her and healed Kim (their daughter), that change would not have taken place. No one works like him. He is such a lover of souls." pg. 194

 I so relate to his wife. I so desperately want to blink and be 3 months pregnant, with a healthy heartbeat and kicking legs on the screen of an ultrasound. But, God doesn't promise that the answer to my prayers and my time with Him in the desert will end this way. He is, however teaching me to find "fullness of joy" (Ps. 16:11)  in His presence as I wait and trust in Him alone. He has to bring me on this journey in order to make me the person He is fashioning me to be.

"The best gift of the desert is God's presence. We see this in Psalm 23:
"He leads me beside still waters" vs. 2
"goodness and love will pursue me" vs. 6 
and though I may go "through the valley of the shadow of death," he is next to me- "I will fear no evil, for you are with me" vs. 4....The protective love of the Shepherd give me the courage to face the interior journey." pg. 186

**Please continue to be in prayer for me and healing. I have continued to bleed since my D&C on September 2. Please pray the Lord would effectively heal my body. Pray for the wisdom of my doctor to know how to treat me. Pray for my heart, as daily this physical ailment is a reminder that life was there and is now gone.**