It's not good news.

Four words you never want to hear while getting an ultra-sound, as a pregnant woman, much less at all.

Those four words keep echoing in my head as I think back on Tuesday, when I was at my doctors to have my first OB appointment for our second child. I was almost 10 weeks along and eager to hear a heartbeat, especially since we suffered a very early miscarriage just the month before conceiving this baby.

The only thing heard during my ultra-sound (aside from her unsettling silence) was the tech's four word's,  It's not good news. But, the only thing I kept thinking of, aside from my grave disappointment and deep sorrow was that I did in fact have good news found in my relationship with Christ. 

My sorrow was met with a never ending, rushing fountain of kindness and mercy stored up for the believer when we draw near to God. God delights in drawing near to us when we are broken hearted. (Psalm 34:18) And this is exactly what happened next.

I have been experiencing a real struggle with doubt and fear since finding out I was pregnant. A lot of my girl friends and other wise counsel have surmised that it is probably because I just came off of losing a baby just the month prior to conceiving this one. I think they are right.  However, God does not want us to live in a spirit of fear, but rather trusting him and living out of the spirit of power and love he gives generously to the believer. (1 Tim. 1:7) Also we are not slaves to fear, as Believers. We have been given sonship to be able to call upon God as our loving Father. (Romans 8:15) So daily, as I struggled with these thoughts I surrendered them to the Lord and asked that He would increase my faith as I continued to trust in Him, as the creator of life.

Just prior to my walking through the doors to have my ultra-sound I sat in the waiting room still wrestling with the same fears and doubts. Again, I prayed to the Lord. He heard this prayer and answered immediately. As I reached into my purse (which had the contents from the last time I wore it, 2 years ago) to pull out my phone, out came an index card with prayer requests on one side and scripture on the other. The prayer requests were dated from 1/4/2009 and as I was reading them I was encouraged to see that every prayer had been answered. They were a compilation of prayer requests from my Biblical Womanhood Sunday School class from church. They weren't small prayers either. One was about bringing home two orphans from Ethiopia; these kids have now been home almost 2 years. Another request was of a woman who just experienced a miscarriage; she now has a healthy, thriving 1 year old. More were about lost jobs and health concerns to which all have been answered. I was encouraged again in how my God hears the cries of the righteous Pslam 34:17, Proverbs 15:29. 

 The scripture on the back was so fitting and absolutely the Holy Spirit softening and preparing my heart for what lied ahead, behind those doors. It said:

Our soul waits for the Lord;

he is our help and our shield.

 For our heart is glad in him,

because we trust in his holy name.

 Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us,

even as we hope in you.

Psalm 33:20-22

This was exactly what my prayers had been during my dark moments of doubt and fear. I was asking God to be my help, my shield from the doubt and fear. I was praying that my heart would be glad in Him alone and not from circumstances that may bring me temporary happiness. I asked to experience joy that is only found in trusting in His plan and steadfast love;  as my hope was in Him.

I believe that was God's reminder that He has not changed and did hear my prayers. He is the same good God, yesterday, today and tomorrow too (Hebrews 13:8) even as he gives and takes away (Job 1:21). My heart found joy in knowing that my God is a loving Father who gives good gifts to His children (Matt. 7:11).  And ultimately I found rest in knowing that not only would He not leave me or forsake me, especially in my trial (Deut. 31:6, Heb. 13:5) but as I continue to seek Him, I will lack NO GOOD THING.  (Psalm 34:10) 

So even now as I hear the ultra-sound tech's voice say: It's not good news. I know that regardless of my circumstances, trials and sufferings there is always good news in light of knowing Christ as my Lord and savior!!!

Please be in prayer for our family as we grieve the loss of our baby. Please also be in prayer for me as I have my surgery Friday morning (tomorrow).  Know that we finding much comfort in God's Word and in our family of believers, who are graciously shouldering this burden with us. We continue to draw near to God, as we experience this trial that is not only necessary for our sanctification, but we know that God is good and this is for our good. (Romans 8:28)