Competition

Being competitive is as much apart of me as the skin on my bones. Its not changing, it may vary in tint depending on the season, lose its firmness with age, but for the most part it is what it is. White, Caucasian, skin.  For so long this is how I treated my different personality traits. Unwavering, immovable and just the way I am- so "get over it" kind of attitude. Hah!

How life changes you....and of course marriage does too. When I married Bryan he quickly shattered my little systematic "personality belief methodology"- and with a BANG, might I add. He spoke some wise and profound truth to me which was: "People change!". A concept I thought foreign, because after all, I have always been-ME- and like it or not, that is what everyone got.

[Oh the PRIDE of that statement]....but that is truly what I believed.

But unlike skin, which only bends and changes in little variants over time, our personality traits must dramatically change as we grow and mature with life. And as a Christian, we believe that the process of SANCTIFICATION means He will NOT allow us to stay the same. It is the process of becoming HOLY. There are countless places where this change in our lives is evident through God's Word in our lives and the Spirits work in our hearts. (Hebrews 10:10, Heb. 13:12,  John 17:17, 1 Cor. 1:30, 1 Peter 1:2, 1 Cor. 6:11 and on and on).

Competition.
And here we are. One of my biggest personality traits that I have wrestled with for most of my Christian life.  Not that there is anything inherently wrong with this trait, but the way it can be easily twisted to sin is rather sneaky. 

So I am just being real here and a lot of this is JUST a "Danielle issue", but I feel competition all around me. Whether it be on how to raise my kid, to couponing, food planing, what movies we watch, friendships, the number of children we have, to work, and marriage- it has effected (or rather INFECTED) ALL AVENUES of my life. 

When I worked my competitive nature was OUT OF CONTROL. I had to have the BEST store; cleanest, most knowledgeable-well trained staff and the best numbers and performance of anyone in the region. I would do anything I could do attain this idea of excellence in my mind because, after all it was my job. Competition drove that bus and I could somewhat control this well.

Or another area I have really struggled with; kids/ babies/ family planing. In our little community it seems that most everyone is rather good at making babies, adopting and doing a good combination of the two within 5 seconds of their marriage vows. If you aren't procreating at the speed of light you weren't being "fruitful and multiplying well enough"  (or so my subconscious led me to believe).  I was a little behind the"eight ball" so to speak, on this area. I couldn't control this...and in fact, God showed me rather quickly that it is HIS plan for our family, not my own. The 3 babies we lost was a demonstration of His plan unfolding and His mercy drove that bus. Nothing I could do would change His ultimate plan. 


But, that didn't change the fact that all around me other people's "plans" were succeeding and mine was placed on the "back burner" (or so I thought). This drove my COMPETITIVE NATURE NUTS. 
And not merely because I thought I could DO BETTER than them with my kids, or what not (not AT ALL, in fact). But rather because I didn't want to be left out. I wanted to be "in" and be a front runner in this race. 


I am thankful that the Lord has continued to use things/ people in my life to help peel back the competitive nature or my flesh Whether that be from my miscarriages to just good plain TRUTH from God's Word about the dangers of comparing my life and its circumstances to others. Not good.


Finally. I surrender. 
Who cares.
Who cares. A monumental thought for me in this struggle. 

WHO CARES. Really? Only GOD does. 
My reward is NOT from my friends (that I was trying to keep up with). 
My reward is NOT based on my performance. 
My reward is based SOLELY on what Christ has done in my imperfect life which is covered by His perfect one. 

In Galatians Paul really hits the nail on the head: 
    "You were running well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth? This persuasion is not from him who calls you. A little leaven leavens the whole lump. I have confidence in the Lord that you will take no other view, and the one who is troubling you will bear the penalty, whoever he is."
(Galatians 5:7-10 ESV)

So much like the Galatians, I was allowing the "winds of this world" and others opinions/ plans to ultimately shape what I thought I should be doing. I was confused and my competitive nature only served to make this struggle even more difficult. BUT CHRIST, in His mercy reminds me....

    "For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another."
(Galatians 5:13-15 ESV)

I was being CONSUMED and DEVOURING my friends in the name of competition. Was I not called to love? To serve them? Yes, but who cares if someone else loved and served better than I. There is a danger that this could also cause the competitive person to shut down and give up all together, but rather we are each called to our own "lot" and "good works", according to God's Word. Do each thing with JOY, not for competitive advantage. My reward is from God, not from MEN!

Hello conviction.
So therefore....
It doesn't matter the number of kids we have, whether we meal plan or not, watch R rated movies or cook with pork.....what matters is we do these things in light of what HE is calling us to do and FOR HIS glory and NOT our own.

So I learned....
My only competition is myself. 
At the end of the day- I answer to the King who already has my reward waiting, no matter how many people I passed during my "race" (or who passed me). This "track" is completely my own and He has enabled me to excel for Him in exactly the way He has predestined me to do so. 

Its kind of like when Mady cries for band-aid when she gets hurt and then stops crying as soon as one is applied to the area. But soon she realizes the hurt is still there. Such is living my life competitively in shadows and opinions of others. They may accept me (just like the band-aid) took away the sight of the "owey", but the wound is still there. The acceptance or "band-aid" doesn't make us feel better, it just masks our need for acceptance. The only true acceptance that matters and has lasting effect is Christs. 
  
So relax.
Compete no more.
I already have his affections. 
Which are the only affections that really matter.

    "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."
(Philippians 4:8 ESV)